hmm, I know its quite late for a follow-up on that last post...

...can you believe its taken me til now to be completely over her? I mean, I just dwelled so much. Regret...yeah, that was definitely there. Here it is, mid-february, sometimes I miss her...sometimes I don't. Most of you probably don't know this, but I fell into a depression for awhile. I guess its just that she moved on so much quicker than I did...and I thought I'd be the first to go. Maybe its that she could forget about the pain so much easier than I could.

But I know now, that that was never the case.

How am I these days? Well, for one, it took me til now to finally be okay with being single. I'm finally content with myself. I've been through a lot, but honestly I can say I'm happy about most things.

Ya know, that girl though...I wish she was treated better. I may not love her the same, but I feel as though she's my sister, and I have a duty to protect her. She deserves better than what he's doing to her. Poor kid-o. One day she'll get what she deserves. One day we'll all get what we deserve.

Hah, crazy to think it took me til now to update. After that whole fiasco. I've had my share of heartache and letdown since...but everyone came out okay.

I'd like to believe everyone always comes out okay in the end...but thats just the way I think.

.chad

I don't understand myself anymore. I don't know what I want, I can't believe what I have been doing to her...I don't know what I want to do about her.

I still love her. Just it seems harder to love her lately.

I reminisce...I go back to the times we had...and I love her just as much. But somehow its all disappointing.I feel like I've been neglecting her.

Maybe I felt like ending it because I thought we were headed in a downward spiral. Maybe I felt like ending it because I love her enough to leave her. I'm only causing more stress and more struggle, I'm another thing to worry about and that's the last thing she needs...I thought that if I had left her...I'd be out of her mind.

But I love her so much I can't leave her. I want her to be happy above all else, and she says she can be happy with me. I just don't know what to do.

Possibly, I'm scared of how much I love her. Or scared of disappointing her parents. I have never been commented on my imaturity before...

I work so hard, I do what I can. I try to be a good person damnit.

I also feel like I should go solo. That's the way life's been heading. Work. School. I don't have time for other things. I have obligations.

That's stupid chad. Don't think that. Stop making excuses for yourself.

I feel more like I'm being abandoned. Alienated from everything else. I used to have so much, and now I have what? Pride? What's there to be proud of? I work myself too hard to enjoy the things I used to.

She said I don't talk to her like I used to. I apologize. I don't seem to talk to anyone quite the same anymore. Slowly I'm losing every personal connection I have.

I don't know my family.

I don't know my friends.

I don't even know my goddamn self anymore.

All I know is that I don't know what I want anymore, and most of all I don't know how to obtain the things I don't know I want once I have realized what they are.

Can I break a heart or two?

Mine?

Hers?

Ours?

I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT OUT OF LIFE ANYMORE.

RIght now.

I want her to be happy.

And I want myself to be happy.

But I don't know if we can be the happiest together.

Why?

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE.

The great time we spent recently, CO, was amazing. Nothing more magical has ever happened to myself. Maybe I just miss that? Maybe I feel like I can't grasp that again, when it sits right in front of me.

I hate to cop out with this theory...those who know me well can decide...

...maybe the lack of feeling loved as I've grown up has caused me to grasp it so much when it's there...that I strangle it before I see its greatest beauty.

I fall in love so easy.
Pray to God I don't fall out so easy.

I want her to be happy. Thats it.

Hi kids...just wanted to say hey.

My life has been pretty good since I left Chadman.

Overall, damn fine.

I've been loving claire, and making the greatest of it.

I've been hangin out with my best friend Potts.

I guess I'm writing in this because I kind of miss the old ways.

Sure, xLifesxRequiemx is tight and all...but I miss you.

Let me know how things are going with you, I'd sure like to hear.

-chad

xLifesxRequiemx

Ian was under the knife today.

Let's hope for a quicker recovery.

So sad, no guitar.

*tear*